Broken Muse
a dabbler in verse till a decade ago - mostly poems written once upon a time - -
About Me
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Stranglehold of expectations.
Thy ask me if I’m a feminist
I tell them I don’t know
But it hurts, oh yes, it hurts
When her fatigue is dismissed
And becomes a cooking vessel
When they cast the stone at her
Cos she did what he too did.
It hurts, godammit, it hurts
When she is called to be
The paragon of virtue
When she is put in her place
With ‘a woman is blah blah blah - -
It hurts, bl---y s—t, it hurts
When she is told
A lady shouldn’t speak like that
A lady shouldn’t sit like that
A lady shouldn’t think like that
A lady shouldn’t think at all.
Dash it, who the hell wants to be a lady?
What, by the way, is a lady?
Who, tell me, is to decide
How many lines a poem should have?
It hurts, oh God, it hurts
When one of your own gender
Turns around and fires
That final fatal shot.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Anniversary
(another entry in my diary - made a year after my mother's death. she, by the way, was the most powerful influence on me.)
A year since she left.
A year since the detonation
In the chest—or brain?
The steadying hand. Stunned Disbelief.
No more.
Gone.
Where?
Deaf to our grief
Dead to our grief
Where are you?
WHERE are you?
Then the vacuum.
The struggle for air in nothingness
Clawing to grasp the reality of absence.
The quake was better.
Can vacuum be so heavy? Oppressive?
Crushing the nerve from feeling the pain?
When was this sunya infused with grief?
When did it happen?
Brine and migraine
Sobs toppling poise?
Stealthily, absence grew into day to day existence
But - - - -WHERE are you?
Something in me sometimes screams
Can you just cease to be? What strange heaven bewitches you
That you choose not to reach out
And balm my pain
Which once you could not bear?
You too, heartless, ma?
Heart, I guess, belongs to the flesh and bone.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
MA
(i discovered an old diary today - and in it my poor attempts at writing poems. this was written a couple of months after my mother died.the metre was all wrong, so i left it. today metre matters little to me)
Her stars were all wrong
She should never have been
But gods for cruel fun
Willed it!
For the tragic role
Misfortunes they came
In battalion
She withstood them
Her soul unscathed
Never did she wallow
In self pity
Was alien to her grain
She bore her jagged cross
With poise rare.
She spanned out her wings
To shelter those writhing
In anguish great.
Permeated her being?
A complete and total
Denial of self?
Their amusement
Did the Gods greet you
Heads hung in shame?
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Elusive regions of the mind.
Blue or green?
I couldn’t decide.
Blue morphing into green
Or green into blue?
Bur the thought returned
Or was it feeling?
Thought morphing into feelings
And Feelings into thoughts?
The blue green waters of the ocean
Taking the colours of the earth
As they approach the shore
Only to return
To its never ending pursuit
Of blue or green
Or both?
Once again
That strange sensation fills me
Every cell in my being
As they did
Ever since I remember.
Sitting on the steps in the evenings after shower
Waiting for amma to complete the ritual
Of dusting with rasnathi podi
The line where my wet hair parted
At the center of my scalp.
It was gloaming, almost
And the coconut trees stood large
To my five year old eyes.
They seemed to touch the heavens
And beckoned me to come
With the breeze that moved them.
I watched the birds trail across the heavens
And envied them
As some disappeared into the trees
So close to the heavens.
And that strange sensation
Of thought morphed into feelings
Spread in my chest
Creating a sadness
Or was it joy?
I do not know.
But it purges,
That sensation
And transports
To an unknown region.
I get the feeling
Or is it thought
That strange truths inhabit that land.
The blue green sea merging with the distant horizon
The sky and the swaying palms that shelter the birds
awaken in me
thought or feelings I cannot fathom.
But tell me
I have in me the elements of those regions
I long for a glimpse of - - -
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The return of the enemy
When the dreaded foe resurfaced
My heart crashed against the ribs
Knocking me down.
But soon I picked myself up
And the ground steadied beneath me,
And I faced the foe.
The apparition which had petrified me
Was now but a shadow of what he was
The first time
He’d been demystified.
His cards were exposed
And my reserves I’d discovered.
I mocked him.
You can kill only me
You can’t touch my spirit
Saturday, January 29, 2011
abandoned
my muse deserted me
leaving behind a vacuum
which grows and grows
and engulfs.
how did I frighten it away?
will it ever return?
dwelling in a vacuum
is no fun.
thoughts drift in
and drift away.
like a yo-yo
with the string snapped
i roll away
and stop in some corner
till the cleaner sweeps me off and dumps me
in the waste bin
to be trashed.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
The Downpour
while light withdraws
at noon
slowly but steadily - -
strange silence charged with routine sounds of noon
awaits it
in the air thickened by the pall of monsoon cloud.
And then it comes
Sheets of rain lash the earth
Pleasant smell of the soil
Warms the heart
As the watery assault slackens its attack
And darkness withdraws
And noon returns
Like joy reinstated
After emotional decongestion
In the wake of heartbroken sobs.