Saturday, April 2, 2011


(i discovered an old diary today - and in it my poor attempts at writing poems. this was written a couple of months after my mother died.the metre was all wrong, so i left it. today metre matters little to me)

Her stars were all wrong

She should never have been

But gods for cruel fun

Willed it!

The formula was ideal

For the tragic role

Misfortunes they came

In battalion

She withstood them

Her soul unscathed

Never did she wallow

In self pity

Clamouring for sympathy

Was alien to her grain

She bore her jagged cross

With poise rare.

Knowing the sting of pain

She spanned out her wings

To shelter those writhing

In anguish great.

What strange philosophy

Permeated her being?

A complete and total

Denial of self?

Was it worth it, Ma?

Not having afforded them

Their amusement

Did the Gods greet you

Heads hung in shame?


anilkurup59 said...

A good attempt.
But why are the Gods so sadistic?
"Self denial", it is a weightier trait than what is claimed "sacrifice"

Balachandran V said...

The anguish is intense and contagious. But, why blame Gods, even if they do exist?

Once I wrote a documentary script on a National Park in Kerala. While narrating its history, I described how the British had systematically destroyed our forests for their plantations of Rubber and tea. A friend asked me whether I should be so scathing in criticizing them. I said we all need enemies, others to blame for our misfortunes. From that feeling of enmity could arise an impetus that will force us to act on our convictions.

Are Gods our enemies in our defeat, our benefactors in fortunes? Life, in its impassive strides takes us all along, regardless of our love or hate. Once we realize that our contribution in changing the courses of our lives is minimal, we become free of hatred and blind beliefs. We ride the waves.

anilkurup59 said...

Now it reminds me of an old cliché advertisement of some pharmaceutical company,"When you fall ill, you blame the doc and when you get well you thank the Lord".

kochuthresiamma p .j said...

@ Anil Kurup & Balachandran V
for those who believe, no proof is needed. for those who dont, no proof is enough. :-) so we can only agree to disagree.
Balachandran sir, you are right. things become much easier if we have something to /someone to blame. that's where God comes in handy:-)
Anil sir-agree with your observation. a whale of a difference bet self denial and sacrifice.the former sometimes become a habit with some people.

kochuthresiamma p .j said...

@ Anil Kurup
good one, and very true.God advocates sometimes become human bashers cos they need to justify God and continue to believe.
man- god relationship is very complex. at the rational level, i question, but at some other level, i believe - completely! instinctual level i think.

Anjuli said...

Really such a powerful piece!!! I read it with your introduction in mind- and having just come from a visit with my mom- I think it made this piece all the more powerful. I'm glad that metre matters little to you these days- because I would not have missed reading this for the world!!!

kochuthresiamma p .j said...

thanjs anjuli.
i miss your blogs!

Balachandran V said...

To believe is to be blind to everything else. To believe is to be afraid to see beyond the little shaft of reflected light; to believe is to remain in shackles forever.

pummalos said...

Hi , as far as I know, the "philosophy that permeated her being" was her strong faith in God.The complete and total self-denial was for gaining something beyond this "earthy" philosophy.She knew it. My mom used to say at the fag end of her days :"unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. "That was something she learned from the Bible. It was all worth it...after all! Yea there sure was meaning in what they suffered in their days, and there sure is meaning what we now suffer too.:)

kochuthresiamma p .j said...

@ balachandran V
sir, to believe is NOT to be blind. to believe is to believe inspite of doublts. to believe is to believe with the eyes wide open. to believe is to read da vinci code or genealogy of morals, get rattled, confused, and then eventually be at peace with oneself and one's God. it's difficult to explian. it's that respect one has for that gut feeling which cannot be rationalised, a faith in the instincts which tell there is something more than meets one's eyes and rational faculty. faith is instinctual. i cannot write a thesis on that , cos i'm still searching - -
so glad we connected.
yes, u knew amma. so u can empathise with my sentiments